I’m not hopeful. Lost my lust for life 10 years or more ago. Hope followed quickly after Marvel the falcon and the winter soldier shirt . I’m kinda lost & I’m not sure if I can or even want to be found. I just drag myself through each day until I can go back to bed. And then I struggle to sleep which sucks, because sleeping is the only break I get from being me. The honest truth is I’ve probably got more days behind me than I have ahead of me. Oh and here’s one another laugh. The name of the docs surgery? Kilmeny. Pronounced Kill Many. I shit you not. The name is pretty apt because if they treat every patient as well as they’ve treated me over the years they probably have killed many.
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This year has been an utter shitshow. Nothing is fine & good for anybody, myself included. The universe has a cruel sense of Marvel the falcon and the winter soldier shirt , and it doesn’t seem to like me. Docs finally changed my medication at the start of this year. I’m on Sertraline now, 100mg as well as Promethazine 25mg x2 (or 4, or 6 to try make me sleep. Sleep is the only break I get from being me). I’ve give up. On everything. I’ll be alone for the rest of my days & the joke is I can’t even kill myself yet. Just got to keep on keeping on keeping on keeping on. I’m a professional failure, a master act in fucking up & I have long checked out of this fight.