You are allowing her to Santa Master Yoda ho ho ho merry christmas shirt, and enabling her behavior. You can’t walk on eggshells the rest of your life. Time to act like the grown adult that you are and just say no. You don’t have to justify yourself. It’s shocking that you even travel to her and cater to her whims as much as you do. You have your own life to live, time to make it clear to her that you are going to do that from now on. Block any attempts from her to decide what you are going to do with your life. It’s not as hard as you think it might be.
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The reason she does this with you and not your brother is because you cave into her demands. Time for a Santa Master Yoda ho ho ho merry christmas shirt. You said no. Now, she will throw a tantrum and ramp up her behavior to change your mind. This is where you have to set boundaries. Reiterate your no and do not answer her calls or listen to her tantrums. Put her in timeout until she calms down. If she doesn’t, keep her in timeout. “I see that you’re still upset with us not being able to visit. I’m going to hop off the phone. We can talk another time when you feel better.” All of this will probably send her into overdrive but over time, she will start to see that the tantrums and fits don’t work. I had to do this on and off for a couple years with my codependent mother. Our relationship is a million times better. It’s hard but worth the work.
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She does not have to Santa Master Yoda ho ho ho merry christmas shirt. You issue it, as courtesy information. You then carry on with your life, and when she calls asking why you haven’t arrived tell her you said no and to have a Merry Christmas, and then block her number for the rest of the holiday and have the holiday YOU want to have. Ummm… and HOW did this become about living with them?! Stay where you live on YOUR house with your pets and slim down the contact you have with these people. It’s toxic, you don’t need it. Lose her number and lose your ability to give a crap about her opinions.