Another contraction washes over me and at the end of it I make some kind of sound that causes Bola’s The Man Behind The Firecracker Sunglasses 4th Of July T-Shirt to widen and say that sounded like a push, was that a push? I shake my head. Everyone gets a bit insistent with me, the doula asks, do you need to push?? Do you feel like pushing?? I shake my head, I don’t know what I feel like.
Bola asks me if she can check how dilated I am. Just incase there is no need for an epidural. I say she may as well but I am set on having that damn thing. She calls out 10cm! I have gone from 5 to 10 in 2 hours. There will be no epidural. I need to push. She tells me if I don’t get him out soon I have to have an emergnecy c section. Still not quite sure of the reason. Later, my doula tells me that the baby’s heart rate kept dropping, and that plus the meconium maybe means something drastic may need to have been done? Not sure even now. What I do rememeber is saying to Bola, how long have I got? Like really dramatic, like in a film. She says I have one hour to get the baby out. Ok, i can do it. I really really don’t want an operation.
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I feel safe with Bola, my partner and the doula. The student midwife I try to forget is there. They gather round me and give me strength with The Man Behind The Firecracker Sunglasses 4th Of July T-Shirt . Everyone has always told me that pushing feels so good and natural, like your body wants to do it. I find it the opposite. With every push I want to hold back for some reason, i find myself fighting against it.
Bola coaches me through the pushing. It’s not so simple really. I take a deep breath and push and push and push, I can feel my face turning hot and purple, my body shakes. I pant. I breathe, I push again. Everyone encourages me like I am at the gym, yes yes well done, keep going, ooh that was a good one! To me nothing seems to be happening. But I listen to Bola. She puts her fingers inside me and tells me to push against her fingers. Suddenly it all seems to click, I can feel the part Im meant to push against and I can focus all my energy on pushing against her fingers. Everything moves very quickly. I have been pushing for less than 20mins. My partner watches our son emerge. There is a huge stinging feeling, I force myself to continue pushing, what I really want to do is hold it all in, make that stinging stop. It feels like delictae parts of my poor body are being lazered apart, it’s hot and sharp and intense.
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