This makes my heart so sad, parents are supposed to be there to support and love their children and teach them, they aren’t there to take from them, to make them feel guilty, or unloved, or to use them. For a child, no matter what age, to have a parent treat them like Merry Pugmas Pug Dog Ugly Christmas Shirt, as though they are only useful when it’s to suit the parent is wrong. I’m sure your mother did love you but sadly she had a strange way of showing you until it was too late.
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Try to find comfort in how you loved her and how you tried to be better for her and not what she wasn’t for you, don’t let it haunt you and ruin your life, let it teach you that Merry Pugmas Pug Dog Ugly Christmas Shirt with strings and demands, that it comes form the love you feel in your heart for that person, which is what you had. You are not ugly, you seem like a very loving, caring man, carry that with you and give it to others who will return it back to you without strings attached… I hope you find some peace…