As parents, we can be terrible the way we show emotions. What I have learned is parenting is the hardest thing I have ever done and I have made a lot of Santa Skull Reindeer light christmas sweater. But one thing I know from the way you spoke of your mother. She truly loved you. Maybe not in the way she should have but I know she did. And I am sure she has regrets. Parenting is full of them.
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Once you understand why you can forgive her human frailty and realise none of it was your fault. I speak from experience. I have an abusive mother with Santa Skull Reindeer light christmas sweater which prevents her from human warmth but I researched her childhood and understand why. I forgive her as a human being but I no longer subject myself to her torrents of abuse and I have 2 amazing gorgeous children who I am able to be as I should because I broke the legacy of abuse. I wish you luck, it’s a tough road but you’ll do it if only you believe in yourself x you deserve love and warmth.