That love and security was taken from me, too, and it makes me angry, and sad. I vacillate between guilt, pity, and hatred for my abuser. It took most of my life to accept that it doesn’t matter what he did or why. It matters that I’m here, because of and in spite of Snoopy and Woodstock around the Christmas tree sweater. I deserve to live and I strive to be whole. It doesn’t matter whether I ever am, only that I never let my anger and bitterness make me hurt myself or others. You are beautiful. You deserve to live and strive and improve yourself because of and in spite of your mother. Life is messy. Answers are not come by easily. We must accept the uncertainty and endeavor to fill it with as much kindness as we can. There is enough suffering. Compassion is the defense against it.
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I stopped speaking to my mother because of her drinking. The day she hit me in the face with a beer bottle at my son’s birthday party was when I cut her off Snoopy and Woodstock around the Christmas tree sweater. We spoke on and off but it was never a good relationship. She was sick and my family kept calling me to go see her in the hospital but I thought mean people don’t die she is too strong. She passed away without me going to see her. I regret not taking her grandkids to say goodbye to her. I had to put distance between us because she was good for me but I loved her and I miss her.